brain jam on toast!

The Stepbuzzard took me to the store last night so I could buy some things for my poor invalid mother, who broke her ankle on Tuesday. While we were there he purchased ingredients for a MEAT PIE that he plans to inflict on his coworkers at a potluck dinner. If you've ever read my Domestic Failure posts, you are giggling in anticipatory glee already. I don't know what he's going to put in the meat pie, but I'd guess cloves, oregano, chilli peppers, hot dogs, raisins, mushrooms, venison, and teriyaki chicken wings with the bone still in them.

A few nights ago, the Stepbuzzard was going to put a can of pie filling into stir fry. I wish I was making this shit up, but I am not.

A Helpful Hint: Never add cayenne pepper to something when you are angry and have a sinus infection.

Tonight the Stepbuzzard is making rice with cream of mushroom soup and chicken broth dumped in it! Oh, and chicken breasts boiled in salad dressing (the stuff you put on salad, not mayo's reject sibling).

My stepfather's idea of a delicious dinner is a mixture of the following things (all in the same pot), presented in a bullet list for emphasis.

• Corn


• Broccoli


• Chicken coated with steak seasoning


• Pasta


• Two different kinds of cheese pasta sauce

He couldn't even choose between Artificial Alfredo or Glorified Cheddar Cheez Wiz. He had to up the ante and use both! What the fuck is wrong with him?! I mean, seriously. There's something not right there.

You know how there are hundreds of blogs on the Internet brimming with unbelievably gorgeous images of domestic perfection? I watch a few of them and occasionally, I'm stupid enough to think I can replicate a fantastic-looking slab of bread or a cutesy embroidered pillow. These attempts are usually beyond fucking disastrous. Sometimes it's so bad I just have to laugh.
I think that I should start posting images of flat tumor-shaped loaves and lovingly wrecked t-shirts with patterns half-assedly ironed onto them (FYI, transfer pencils fondle donkey balls). I could even photograph them on tastefully mismatched vintage textiles! It'd rule! Occasionally, I'd post a success story to brag about my famous beer soup or pizza bagels (from scratch!).
So yeah. Would you read that?
Let's just assume that you would!

( Here's my recipe for beer soup. )

Meanwhile, happy new year to everyone!